The Grief of Separation and Finding Peace

I know for myself, I only ever though of grief as something we experience when someone we know and cares about passes away.  The truth is how we deal with any loss, perceived or actual, can result in us experiencing grief.  When the change in our life drastically impacts or way of life, our abilities or who we see ourselves as or thought we would be, we can experience the same emotions and find ourselves experiencing the various phases of grief.

As I adjusted to the changes in my life after separating, one of the things I had to acknowledge was that I was grieving the end of my marriage and had been going through some of the stages even before we finally decided to separate. 

1. Denial – As we struggled in our relationship, I could see our marriage wasn’t working and at times I already felt lost. However, I kept thinking if I could just do this then maybe, or if I we can just do that then maybe.  Everyone struggles, everyone disagrees, this is normal in a marriage. Things will get better.  In some cases, yes, in ours it did not.
2. Anger –During the marriage I was angry at myself for feeling like I couldn’t do anything right, my ex for not understanding me, at everyone else who seemed to make married life look so easy and happy and better than what I was experiencing. The harshest and hardest anger to get over, was the one I held for myself. I was angry that I wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t be enough, that I was a failure as a wife.
3. Bargaining –Prior to deciding to separate we made multiple attempts to try and salvage the relationship, to fix what we each thought was not working. After it was with myself and how I related to others, trying to negotiate interactions and accommodating others to feel wanted and loved. In bargaining, I didn’t look at what I needed for myself and was more concerned with changing who I was to be what others needed from me.
4. Depression – This was a long journey and impacted so many more parts of my life then I could realize at the time. Throughout the marriage as we struggled, I became sad and felt that I was a failure, I was afraid of what would happen, how would I move on, how would my children handle things.  The sadness was even more difficult once we decided to separate, that realization that my dreams were over, my plans for the future completely altered. My disappointment and sadness seeing the kids struggle to come to terms and accept what was happening.  The sadness of being alone and fear of being alone forever.  By the time I realized I was depressed, I had already impacted friendships, work and other areas of my life.  As more things seemed to change and disrupt it added to my sense of failure, inability to cope and made finding happiness very difficult.
5. Acceptance – When the lightbulb finally clicked that I need to find me, what I needed, what I wanted, and rediscover who I was, what I valued, that was the moment I started the journey of acceptance. I was able to acknowledge that life changed and didn’t end.  I had closed one chapter and had many more to write and explore.  Acceptance that who I am and what I value were still mine to shape as I started my next story. 

This journey did not happen over night.  Some friendships were lost, others strained and transformed.  Some beliefs were challenged and modified to accept my new chapter.  It took years to fully recover and find myself and even now, I adjust to other changes and continue to grow and learn from the various experiences in life.

This doesn’t mean every part of the journey was bad.  I still have many happy memories from the marriage and even during the separation.  There were exciting new experiences and achievements, life events and accomplishments.  All of these, the good and not so good, the bad and not so great, helped me become stronger and transformed me into who I am today. 

My one lesson learned that I share with you now, show yourself grace. Recognize the journey, take a deep breath when it gets hard, celebrate every small accomplishment, acknowledge how much you are going through and take everything one moment at a time.

If you would like to hear more about my journey starting over, check out Episode 2 of Fifties Unscripted: Embracing my Second Act now streaming on YouTube. You can also connect with me on instagram @fiftiesunscripted or online at www.fiftiesunscripted.com!