“Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” One of my favourite lines in the movie Forrest Gump. Why? Well think about it for a second. If you lose the little piece of paper that tells you what is inside of each chocolate, and you will not know what flavour it is until you take a bite. Sometimes you will love it, sometimes you will not! And that my friends is exactly what life is.
Every experience we go through will have different results. Sometimes we will be excited and love learning something new, other times we will be scared and cautious before we relax and enjoy and sometimes, we may just out right regret or wish we had never done something or swear never to do it again. And no two people will have the same experience.
As children life is full of exploration, investigation, and learning. We learn how to walk, talk, tie our shoes. We try new foods, styles of clothes, genres of music, books and movies. As we go through school, we like some subjects more than others and as we progress our tastes, interests change over time and we focus on what we want to do in life.
As adults this learning, growth and adapting to change continues. Sometimes our best laid plans, dreams and aspirations do not turn out the way they were intended. For myself I found myself a mom of three daughters, going through a separation and starting over at 45. It was scary, sad, and difficult. It was a time of uncertainty, and unbelievable stress. Do you know what else it was? A time of growth, learning and self discovery.
Looking back there are many things I wish I had handled differently when I started over so here are some suggestions I want to share looking back and reflecting on my experiences.
- Allow yourself time to grieve
The one thing that took me time to accept was that the end of my marriage was no different than grieving the loss of someone. I had lost a husband, friend, and partner. Yes, we still coparented, yes, we still saw each other and talked at kids' events. However, the dream we had went in with was no longer a reality. We were not going to experience life together anymore or retire and grow old together. We need to give ourselves time to process and accept what life now is and adapt to being alone again. Which leads to the next item, figuring out who you are.
- Take time to discover who you are
You are no longer the person you were when you first were married or before you had kids and built a life with your spouse.
You have grown and changed based on all of your experiences. Good and bad. Reflect on what you like, what you want to do next and interests that you now have. Look at what your commitments now are and most importantly how you are feeling. What makes you happy, where are you worried. To move on you need to know how you have changed and who you have become. This means you need to make time not just for kids, work, and chores you need to make time for you.
- Prioritize yourself
When you are married parenting is hard, when you are single it can be even harder. Now instead of divide and conquer its just you. It gets difficult to manage your job, household responsibilities and childcare and still find time for yourself. However, it is important to do just that. You need to find time for self care and to rediscover yourself. It could be as simple as going to the gym or taking a walk. It might be learning a new skill or activity. It could be reading a book or simply taking time to relax and enjoy your coffee in the morning. Eventually your kids will become more independent so start small and prioritize your time now, so it is natural and easy to increase as life changes. Which leads to my last suggestion and that is not to be afraid to try something new.
- Take chances
Do not be afraid to explore and discover things that interest you. Be open to meeting new people and making new friends. It is not about the end game it's about looking at taking a chance on doing something that makes you happy. Try a paint night with friends. Go to a party and meet new people. As you accept the changes in your life and stop grieving what you have lost, as you understand how you have changed and what you want to do and start to make time to do things that interest you, you never know what will happen. It is not about the end game; it is about self discovery being open to chance and finding your next best experience.
Just as we encourage our kids to grow and learn we need to do the same for ourselves. We need to find a way to accept what life has given us, remember the good, figure out how to learn from the bad and start over. It is not easy, and we will stumble. That is ok. Reflect on what you went through, pick out the things you liked and try again. Find yourself, learn to love yourself and who you are and figure out what it is you want and who your true authentic self wants to be. The rest will all fall into place when its time. Be kind to yourself and never give up. Change is difficult for everyone, find a way to use change to empower you and help you grow!
If you would like to hear more about my journey starting over, check out Episode 2 of Fifties Unscripted: Embracing my Second Act now streaming on YouTube. You can also connect with me on instagram @fiftiesunscripted or online at www.fiftiesunscripted.com!
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